Tuesday, October 21, 2014

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Christian-English Translation

by Francois Tremblay



English Christian-speak
good That which is morally positive, what we should do, the pursuit of one's life and other people's lives. That which is morally negative, the pursuit of slavery and destruction.
Example : God wiped out the entire Earth in the Flood, God is all-good.
worldly Sophisticated, experienced. Of the material world (as opposed to the Christian fantasy world); Wicked, to be rejected.
Example : Don't let your children listen to Mr. Rogers, he's too worldly. Make them watch Vegitales instead.
love Spontaneous affection arising from the satisfaction that something gives us, the recognition of the harmony between our values and something else's values. Artificial feeling one must feel towards everything as a duty to God, which does not depend on values or any other form of judgment.
Example : Jesus said we must love our neighbour. My neighbour killed my daughters in a car accident, but I love him anyway.
miracle An instance of divine action - which is impossible to determine because we can never eliminate all possible natural causes. When everyone around you dies and you're still alive. God only saved you because you're special.
Example : 265 people died in this plane crash, but I survived, it's a miracle ! Thank the Lord !
science The study of natural phenomena and their causes. A flawed, juvenile discipline, subservient to God's Word.
Example : Science says that germ theory is true, but the Bible says demons cause illness, so obviously scientists are deluded materialists trying to contradict God.
theory The factual explanation of the underlying processes behind observed phenomena. Just a guess.
Example : Evolution and gravity are just theories, so we can't trust them.
brain Primary center for the regulation and control of bodily activities, receiving and interpreting sensory impulses, and transmitting information to the muscles and body organs. Seat of consciousness, thought, memory, and emotion. Relatively irrelevant mass of random atoms, which can only effect mechanical functions. All higher functions reside in the soul.
Example : Atheists say that emotions are part of the brain, when they think the brain is just atoms banging around, and it is obvious that atoms don't have feelings.
senses There are 5 of them. There are 6 of them (add the "divine sense").
Example : I sense the presence of the Lord Jesus Christ in my life.
value That which we pursue as a goal, something to gain and/or keep. Restrictions that we impose on our behaviour based on a multi-thousand-year-old book of myths.
Example : We must propagate Christian family values. Picket homosexual funerals and prevent them from marrying.
tolerence To let other people express themselves. To let people who agree with you express themselves, and not jail or kill dissenters.
Example : If we were not tolerent to atheists who want to take down the Ten Commandments, which we should put on as many public spaces as possible, we would have all put them in jail by now.
human dignity Acknowledgement of the freedom and worth of other human beings. Denial of your freedom and worth in the name of "humanity", which has inherent worth (for reasons that no one can explain).
Example : Cloning is against human dignity, because it attacks the notion of being human. We should therefore stop anyone from using his own genetic material to be cloned.
bigot A person who holds an intolerent prejudice against other people's postiions. A person who doesn't like Christianity or acts against the rules of Christianity.
Example : This guy on TV said that religion is bad for society. What a bigot !
Freedom of Religion The freedom to adopt any religion you want, or none, as long as you don't hurt others. The freedom to adopt a state religion and impose its rules and doctrine on everyone else. Other religions are ok, as long as they don't try to impose their own rules and doctrines on an equal footing.
Example : I have the freedom of religion to put this Ten Commandments monument on public grounds.
evolution The theory by which the diversity and adaptation of life on Earth is explained by mechanisms such as natural selection, mutation, genetic drift, acting on units of heritability (DNA). The ridiculous theory that man came from monkeys, monkeys came from crocs, and crocs came from rocks. What a crock ! Also includes, for some reason, cosmology.
Example : Evolution says that monkeys evolved into man. But if that's true, why are monkeys still around ?
creation To create is to recombine units into new structures. To create is to magically make things appear from nothing.
Example : God created the universe with a mere thought. Poof !
perfection That which is perfect is without flaw. That which is perfect is full of flaws. Perfect doesn't really mean anything.
Example : Adam and Eve were created perfect, then they sinned.
Creationism A set of various presuppositions and anti-scientific beliefs which propose that God created the diversity of life on Earth. A completely coherent scientific worldview that shows how false evolution is. Proven by refuting evolution, even though there are dozens of alternate theories.
Example : Creationism says that species cannot evolve past their kind. We do not need physical evidence of that, Noah's Ark proves it.
context The context of something is composed of its surrounding elements. In the case of literature, we read a sentence in context by reading the entire passage and comparing it with what we know of reality. Context is any rationalization you must consider when your conclusion is incompatible with mine. You must not read entire passages or compare sentences with reality.
Example : If you look at it in context, Jesus was not for slavery, but against slavery, because he also said to love your neighbour.

Last updated: January 1, 2005